Yago thinks he has an eternity to pursue and win the heart of the beautiful Xenith, the Commander of the ship holding the only surviving humans in the Universe. These last humans were all created in a lab as perennial 30-year-olds. They are genetically perfect except for Yago. That is one of the obstacles he faces in his quest for the perfect Xenith. The other is that the Universe is running out of Time -- that Time is not eternal. Therefore, can his Love be eternal? Can Yago, who always had to try harder than the rest of his shipmates, finally get the girl while the Universal Clock ticks down to zero?
In the tradition of famed lexicographers, Samuel Johnson and Ambrose Bierce, comes James Francis Johnson, ready to give his spiritual ancestors a run for their cynical money. In this volume of Alphabetized Pessimism, the reader will discover words that take on a whole new meaning, literally, for example when Jim defines “Recognition” as “Given to a man who grows a handlebar mustache.” Jim’s Dictionary is the ultimate leave-it-on-a-shelf-beside-the-toilet book, with its short, digestible entries. It may even encourage one to loiter a few extra minutes on the commode, which, in a one-bathroom house, may cause problems in the family. Then again, according to Jim, what is a family but a “collection of forced friendships, some of which fail?” ‘Nuff said.
Maria is a Munich art historian living in 1972 when Virgil, a time-traveler, convinces her to journey back to 1919 to seduce the virgin, Adolph Hitler, and that she must also keep him from ever meeting Rudolf Hess. But Hess sees and becomes infatuated with Adolph from the start. The Maria-Hitler sexual first contact does nothing to change history, so the next strategy is for Maria to marry the now smitten Adolph and remove him from the anti-Semitic cesspool of Munich to Paris to nurture his art career, and enlist Picasso as his mentor. Adolph goes through a three-year artistic journey from being a glorified duplicator to a profound modernist, though Hess continues his siege by writing him Nazi propaganda. At the moment when Adolph achieves his lifelong dream of becoming a successful artist, Maria announces that she is pregnant, and so Adolph orders their return to Munich. There Hess and Maria engage in a life and death battle. Find out who wins in this soon-to-be feature film.
There are three types of people: First, those who read dating profiles on the internet to find eternal love, or, if not that, then someone to accompany them to karaoke night at the local bar; second, those who read the personals to laugh at the exaggerated opinion people have about themselves and, worse, the unrealistic expectations about what they are looking for in a mate; and, third, those who read dating profiles to laugh at the self-promotion and then, when no one is looking, respond to the ad by claiming that they are new to internet dating, though they have been meeting hundreds of people online for the past eight years. Who can make this stuff up? This is a collection of satirical personal ads that group Men and Women promoting themselves on the dating market under a particular theme. For example, one theme is marriage proposals done at sporting events and projected onto the Jumbotron, so that the Men Seeking Women ad is called "I Want to Propose to a Lady on the Jumbotron," while the Women Seeking Men ad is entitled "If You Propose to Me on the Jumbotron, I'll Kill You." This book is for the second type of person, who reads personal ads for laughs.
